Don’t look back in anger
“The past is for reference, not residence.”
Kriss Akabusi used this statement during his after dinner presentation at the CIPS Annual Dinner last week. It was even more appropriate because of a conversation I had with someone earlier in the evening, which made me realise how often we take residence in the past not only for ourselves, but with and about others too.
The conversation included the other person who I’d worked with six years ago saying they still remembered the session I’d run for a client at the time as being really bad.
I know I learned a lot from that session. Not least the importance of understanding the client’s culture and getting buy in from those involved when trying to do something different. I would suggest I’ve referenced the past, taken that learning and grown in what I do as a result.
What I found surprising was the other person was still in residence in the past, and judging me based on that.
This made me wonder how many people I’m doing the same to? Of course reference the past, but let’s not take residence there. And I wonder what new opportunities and changes this might facilitate in the future?
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I have been on the other side of anger where a supplier caused me grief, frustration and used inappropriate taunts. Although I have decided not to use this supplier, but I may be forced to use the services of this supplier by my manager. If I have to use him then I will never be able to establish a cordial relation with this supplier. On the other hand, the possibility of using this supplier has triggered me to find alternate suppliers. This will help me to minimise using the services of this old supplier if I am forced by my manager. It is easier to forget than forgive.
In NLP there’s a model called Dilt’s Neurological levels which identifies different aspects of our behaviour. One way to look at the model is that behaviour can be impacted by our:
Environment,
Skills & Capabilities,
Beliefs,
Values,
Identity.
The further you move down that list the more difficult it will be to get people to change. Over time we do change our values and beliefs but these are certainly more closely aligned with who we are as people than our skills and capabilities. Yes we can change them but more slowly.
In my example I think the outcome was impacted by the environment and our skills and capabilities. As these have changed in the 6 years I’d suggest the outcome for a similar session would be different. In your example I’d suggest that the ‘bullying’ behaviour is more closely aligned with the suppliers identity, values and beliefs and may not ever change. Although as a coach I do think everyone does have the capacity to change – it’s just more difficult when dealing with values, beliefs and identity.